How to show that you are the gothiest goth that ever goth’ed

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What is the point of joining a sub-culture if you can’t show that you are the best person at that sub culture. Looking for tips on how to be gother-than-thou? Well, you’ve come to the right place.

Own only black clothing

Oh, you have white underwear? That isn’t good enough. How goth do you think you think you can be when your undergarments aren’t matching your goth exterior? Throw them away. Get some dye and turn them black. Hell, even use marker pens and colour them in. Everything must be black.

And what about the labels on your clothing? What could be more embarrassing than discovering that one of the labels is sticking out and is, gasp, white. Cut that off!

Remove everything that’s not goth from your music collection

Got a soft sort for Lady Gaga? Well tough. You need to excommunicate her from your music collection. If you show a sign of weakness, you will not be the goth-monarch. Remove everything. Delete it from your iTunes library. Remove everything from your YouTube playlist that isn’t slightly goth.

Your favourite movie genre? It’s now horror

Do you laugh at mean girls? Stop it. Que up every few months for the latest marvel Blockbuster? No way. Now, you can only watch horror movies. Thankfully, you can do the cooler-than-this attitude towards the terrible horror movies, but if it doesn’t contain a monster, gore, or the darkness hidden in normal men revealing itself in horrific situations, you can never watch another genre to be the ├╝bergoth.

Correct people over minute detail

Another thing that is very important when you are being more goth than anyone els, ever, is to make sure you let other people know it by showing off you know more than then.

Memorise every single date, location, and place that the Sisters of Mercy played. Be able to recite The Cure lyrics in the same way romantics recite Shakespeare. Be able to give a four day lecture on the feminist themes in all of Edgar Allan Poe’s works.

Wear elaborate clothing. All the time

No matter what the occasion, make sure to wear clothing that takes three hours to put on and at least an hour to be able to take off. Job Interview? The perfect time to jangle with multiple chains like a tin man. Summer? You are a goth. You don’t sweat underneath those layers. You just photosynthesis and get more gothy. Funerals?… actually, you might be okay there.

Use Gothy names for everything

Why have a cat called “Mittens” when instead you could name her “Ashgard Deathstar”? Hell, your parents gave you a name at birth like “Lucy” or “Max”? Screw them. You are now “Corpse KillMcGrave”.

And why stop at animals. Get some plants for your home (black roses of course), and give them names such as “Skull Drudgon” and “Dragon McCarthy.”

Never Smile again

Tape down your mouth if you have to.

Mention you are a goth every few minutes

Even though you’d think that everyone knows you are the top goth from the way you dress and act, you can never be too sure that they have fully grasped your dark heart. So, be sure to mention it to everyone in general conversation; your boss, your family, the dog walkers you see on the streets. Bonus points if you say with a plain, bored expression to someone else in the goth community “yeah, I’m a goth. You might know what we are like but…”

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